Honestly, Truly (since 2007)
This blog has always been my safe haven; my little corner; my escape. In high school, it was the only place where I could freely express myself. Being a sort of outcast, I found it easier to bottle everything up inside and let it all out on here after school.
When I lost my grandma and a friend of ten years at the same time, this was the only place where I could be honest and true to myself. All the anger and bitterness flowed freely from my heart and I was the better for it. It alleviated my mind and my heart and it sometimes made facing the next day just a little bit easier.
I've never been the type to tell anyone how I really feel. I suppose it has something to do with trust issues originating from my dysfunctional relationships with my family. Not to say that I don't love them; I do. However, my childhood was filled with a lot of mental and emotional abuse; sometimes physical abuse. All of which attributes to my occasional anger problems.
You see, no one really cared to listen to my pain or understand my fear back then. Even now, I find it difficult to talk about it with anyone.
There were a few instances when I would tell an adult and they would disregard my fear as nothing more than my imagination.
When your father backs you into a corner till you're cowering; screaming at you at the top of his lungs while he digs his finger into the side your head because you forgot to set the table, it's not your imagination.
When he drags you outside and tries to hit you because you were too young to realize cutting your hair with scissors was a bad thing, it's not your imagination.
When he makes you sit for hours outside in the rain and cold because you said you saw something you shouldn't have, it's not your imagination.
I suppose that's why it doesn't surprise me that there are people like that in my life today. Lately, I've found that no matter how much I try to be honest with my feelings, I will never be seen as nothing more than a whiny child.
And it's one of the top reasons why I still have this blog; even after all these years. For me, it's never been about being popular or the most viewed blog on the internet. It has been and always will be about my true feelings; raw and unedited. There are many different kinds of ways to express yourself out there; personally, this is the one I love the most. This small space of the internet has become something like a friend to me over the years. It sounds weird, but there's a kind of comfort I can find on here that cannot be found anywhere else.
When I lost my grandma and a friend of ten years at the same time, this was the only place where I could be honest and true to myself. All the anger and bitterness flowed freely from my heart and I was the better for it. It alleviated my mind and my heart and it sometimes made facing the next day just a little bit easier.
I've never been the type to tell anyone how I really feel. I suppose it has something to do with trust issues originating from my dysfunctional relationships with my family. Not to say that I don't love them; I do. However, my childhood was filled with a lot of mental and emotional abuse; sometimes physical abuse. All of which attributes to my occasional anger problems.
You see, no one really cared to listen to my pain or understand my fear back then. Even now, I find it difficult to talk about it with anyone.
There were a few instances when I would tell an adult and they would disregard my fear as nothing more than my imagination.
When your father backs you into a corner till you're cowering; screaming at you at the top of his lungs while he digs his finger into the side your head because you forgot to set the table, it's not your imagination.
When he drags you outside and tries to hit you because you were too young to realize cutting your hair with scissors was a bad thing, it's not your imagination.
When he makes you sit for hours outside in the rain and cold because you said you saw something you shouldn't have, it's not your imagination.
I suppose that's why it doesn't surprise me that there are people like that in my life today. Lately, I've found that no matter how much I try to be honest with my feelings, I will never be seen as nothing more than a whiny child.
And it's one of the top reasons why I still have this blog; even after all these years. For me, it's never been about being popular or the most viewed blog on the internet. It has been and always will be about my true feelings; raw and unedited. There are many different kinds of ways to express yourself out there; personally, this is the one I love the most. This small space of the internet has become something like a friend to me over the years. It sounds weird, but there's a kind of comfort I can find on here that cannot be found anywhere else.