What I Feared Most
OMGOODNESS
You ever hear the phrase, "you become that which you hate the most"? Well, I just realized that that's what has happened to me. If you don't know, the one I hate the most is my father. That man has taken more happiness away from me than the cancellation of Pushing Daisies ever did. Any attempt I ever made as a child to gain his approval or encouragement always (and I really do mean that) ended up in billowing flames of failure.
I drew a picture for him in school. He told me it was the ugliest thing he ever saw and crumpled it up.
My sister drew a picture for me one day. I told her it was the ugliest thing I ever saw and crumpled it up.
I used to ask my dad for help on stuff. He always told me that I'm useless and can't do anything myself because I'm so stupid and weak.
My sister still asks me for help on stuff. Sometimes I tell her that she's useless and can't do anything herself because she's so stupid and weak.
My father never finishes what he starts.
Neither do I. Only on rare occasions do I make the effort. And only when I want to prove myself better than him.
They say that children inherit things from their parents. Some inherit patience, kindness, strength, and loyalty. Some inherit cars, houses, government bonds, and debt. I inherited rage, selfishness, arrogance, pride, and insecurity.
The lot obviously did not fall on my favor.
I wanted to do so much as a kid. I wanted art lessons. I wanted to model. I wanted to act. I wanted to play soccer. I wanted to be really good at something. But the excuse was always the same, "That's not going to help you in life. It's going to ruin your childhood."
Well, look where I am now. A good-for-nothing, just as my father predicted. I was never allowed to be my best at something, so I just gave up trying altogether. I fear that I will never amount to anything because of this. I've quit trying to get him to be proud of me for who I am. I no longer believe that anyone will really be proud of me. God. You are the only one who ever said that You accept me, failures and all. In those words do I take refuge.
To any readers out there, thank you for taking the time to see me at my worst. I don't know how long this will last. All these feelings are 19 years worth of pent up anger and frustration. I do hope I'll be able to sort through it all. I'm sure you guys are sick and tired of reading my endless rants. I only ask for a little more patience.
You ever hear the phrase, "you become that which you hate the most"? Well, I just realized that that's what has happened to me. If you don't know, the one I hate the most is my father. That man has taken more happiness away from me than the cancellation of Pushing Daisies ever did. Any attempt I ever made as a child to gain his approval or encouragement always (and I really do mean that) ended up in billowing flames of failure.
I drew a picture for him in school. He told me it was the ugliest thing he ever saw and crumpled it up.
My sister drew a picture for me one day. I told her it was the ugliest thing I ever saw and crumpled it up.
I used to ask my dad for help on stuff. He always told me that I'm useless and can't do anything myself because I'm so stupid and weak.
My sister still asks me for help on stuff. Sometimes I tell her that she's useless and can't do anything herself because she's so stupid and weak.
My father never finishes what he starts.
Neither do I. Only on rare occasions do I make the effort. And only when I want to prove myself better than him.
They say that children inherit things from their parents. Some inherit patience, kindness, strength, and loyalty. Some inherit cars, houses, government bonds, and debt. I inherited rage, selfishness, arrogance, pride, and insecurity.
The lot obviously did not fall on my favor.
I wanted to do so much as a kid. I wanted art lessons. I wanted to model. I wanted to act. I wanted to play soccer. I wanted to be really good at something. But the excuse was always the same, "That's not going to help you in life. It's going to ruin your childhood."
Well, look where I am now. A good-for-nothing, just as my father predicted. I was never allowed to be my best at something, so I just gave up trying altogether. I fear that I will never amount to anything because of this. I've quit trying to get him to be proud of me for who I am. I no longer believe that anyone will really be proud of me. God. You are the only one who ever said that You accept me, failures and all. In those words do I take refuge.
To any readers out there, thank you for taking the time to see me at my worst. I don't know how long this will last. All these feelings are 19 years worth of pent up anger and frustration. I do hope I'll be able to sort through it all. I'm sure you guys are sick and tired of reading my endless rants. I only ask for a little more patience.