Forget Remembering You
You know, holding a grudge against someone has a sickening hold on many people. It's like a kind of pleasurable heat that gives us satisfaction in dwelling on that hate and anger. Now I know it's neither healthy nor advisable to have such feelings. God definitely doesn't like it. Hating someone is like hating Him.
However, it's...so difficult to let go of it. I don't care how many times you tell me to let it go. It's incredibly painful to let that last vestige of anger go. I WANT to hate that person so much. I WANT to imagine hurting them in every way possible. I WANT to feel the triumph in knowing that I hate them.
Only I know this hate. That person may never know, nor care. They may never realize how I feel. But does that bother me? To be honest, no. It makes me feel even more powerful. I have control over someone in my mind; a place where no one else can touch me or hurt me. See, control has been ripped from my hands from so many individuals: my father, my mother, my relatives, my school, my friends...
I no longer hold reins to my life, and even if I was to give the reins to God, I couldn't.
So this anger and hate I hold so dear against you, is one of very few connections to any control I may have left in me. Go ahead, feel offended, confused, or fearful. I don't care. This monster inside purrs at the fact that I alone hold you hostage in my mind. And seeing you in my dreams being continuously tortured is relief to the burdens and aches I still have to carry in the real world.
However, it's...so difficult to let go of it. I don't care how many times you tell me to let it go. It's incredibly painful to let that last vestige of anger go. I WANT to hate that person so much. I WANT to imagine hurting them in every way possible. I WANT to feel the triumph in knowing that I hate them.
Only I know this hate. That person may never know, nor care. They may never realize how I feel. But does that bother me? To be honest, no. It makes me feel even more powerful. I have control over someone in my mind; a place where no one else can touch me or hurt me. See, control has been ripped from my hands from so many individuals: my father, my mother, my relatives, my school, my friends...
I no longer hold reins to my life, and even if I was to give the reins to God, I couldn't.
So this anger and hate I hold so dear against you, is one of very few connections to any control I may have left in me. Go ahead, feel offended, confused, or fearful. I don't care. This monster inside purrs at the fact that I alone hold you hostage in my mind. And seeing you in my dreams being continuously tortured is relief to the burdens and aches I still have to carry in the real world.