Emotional Whiplash
Last year was probably one of the worst years I've ever experienced. To be a bit more dramatic, it felt like a horrible car accident and the only fatalities were the relationships in my life.
Indeed, the disaster and chaos that plagued my connections with those I care about stemmed from the resentment and irritation I held for Vanessa and Alex. The disease that paralyzed my coherent thinking spread to other relationships I had with people in my life.
Not only was my relationship with Zack affected, but almost everyone around me was subjected to the aftershock of our fury and frustration.
The results were more than I could handle; yet I know in the recesses of my despair and internal destruction that God never gave more than we could handle.
However, the unforeseen consequences sometimes led me to momentarily believe otherwise for the hopelessness was all consuming and overwhelming.
If I allow myself to dwell on it, I can still feel it's burning grip on my heart and my mind.
The hold can be almost suffocating. I sometimes sense the urge to burst out in a violent rampage; destroying manifested images and objects of my passionate and hate fueled anger.
Seems like I need help, right? I agree.
The only thing that seems to hold me back is my uneasiness about trusting anyone with my burden.
I feel as if there is no ally for me or Zack on this earth. In my lowest of lows, I feel as if God isn't our ally either.
What a horrible thing to think.
Nevertheless, I am human; and if I can't be honest with myself, then how could I be honest with anyone else?
Lying about my thoughts and feelings is not good practice for one who needs to let everything go.
Yes, I feel as if we are alone in our stand; bound by guilt subliminally planted in our conscience that lead to our inevitable duplicitous thoughts.
Over time, I see that we have been reduced to prisoners of our plight.
I am not arrogant by nature, nor do I find it convenient to ignore the other side. My conscience is easily troubled when injustice has been done, yet...
Am I the one who has been treated unjustly or am I the unjust?
None of these statements feel worth confiding in with any of my friends and family. They seem more disinterested in our turmoil, even when they are the ones bring it up.
So from now on, there is no one but us. Us and God. We cannot trust anyone to be a true ally or reciprocate the same support and friendship that we have outstretched to them. It's a sad realization, but it's these moments that will eventually lead to something far better than we could ever dream of.
Indeed, the disaster and chaos that plagued my connections with those I care about stemmed from the resentment and irritation I held for Vanessa and Alex. The disease that paralyzed my coherent thinking spread to other relationships I had with people in my life.
Not only was my relationship with Zack affected, but almost everyone around me was subjected to the aftershock of our fury and frustration.
The results were more than I could handle; yet I know in the recesses of my despair and internal destruction that God never gave more than we could handle.
However, the unforeseen consequences sometimes led me to momentarily believe otherwise for the hopelessness was all consuming and overwhelming.
If I allow myself to dwell on it, I can still feel it's burning grip on my heart and my mind.
The hold can be almost suffocating. I sometimes sense the urge to burst out in a violent rampage; destroying manifested images and objects of my passionate and hate fueled anger.
Seems like I need help, right? I agree.
The only thing that seems to hold me back is my uneasiness about trusting anyone with my burden.
I feel as if there is no ally for me or Zack on this earth. In my lowest of lows, I feel as if God isn't our ally either.
What a horrible thing to think.
Nevertheless, I am human; and if I can't be honest with myself, then how could I be honest with anyone else?
Lying about my thoughts and feelings is not good practice for one who needs to let everything go.
Yes, I feel as if we are alone in our stand; bound by guilt subliminally planted in our conscience that lead to our inevitable duplicitous thoughts.
Over time, I see that we have been reduced to prisoners of our plight.
I am not arrogant by nature, nor do I find it convenient to ignore the other side. My conscience is easily troubled when injustice has been done, yet...
Am I the one who has been treated unjustly or am I the unjust?
None of these statements feel worth confiding in with any of my friends and family. They seem more disinterested in our turmoil, even when they are the ones bring it up.
So from now on, there is no one but us. Us and God. We cannot trust anyone to be a true ally or reciprocate the same support and friendship that we have outstretched to them. It's a sad realization, but it's these moments that will eventually lead to something far better than we could ever dream of.