Squeezed and Strained.
This year has been incredibly difficult and painful.
I find myself at the brink of a breakdown almost every day now. Whenever that feeling begins to break through, I immediately want to pack everything up and leave.
I don't know why I've been feeling this way or what started it. Many different reasons come to my mind when I try to mull it over in those blurry, incoherent moments before I drift off to sleep. Even then, I tend to not dwell on it for too long in case it overwhelms me and I end up in a fetal position, crying until I drown all of these thoughts out.
Doesn't this all make me sound insane? Maybe that's why I haven't talked to anyone about it.
The process of going through it in my mind is more than what I can handle as it is. Silence and isolation is what I crave the most and run to in those times of slight panic and fear. I can't even fully confide in Zack, since he has his own problems that he needs my help with.
It seems horribly ironic; a broken, confused person trying to help another broken, confused person. But who else can we talk to?
Where are you, God?
I pray and read Your word, yet I find no solace or comfort. I find only judgement and self loathing in-between the pages and text. Guilt and more guilt pile up on top of my already heavy heart and I end up feeling unwanted, unheard, and undeserving. Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew that my life wasn't going to be a happy one. I accepted that there will be a myriad of times when everything is my fault and everyone blames me for whatever exponential amount of reasons they find fit.
Still, it doesn't make it any easier to feel the suffocation of being diminished each time I'm pushed away or left out.
What's going to happen to me? Will I ever find God's presence in my life again? Are You even trying to save me from this darkness, God? Or have You turned Your back on me because my faults and nature have gone beyond what You would allow? Do You still love me enough to give me any success or long term happiness? Or am I that undeserving?
I find myself at the brink of a breakdown almost every day now. Whenever that feeling begins to break through, I immediately want to pack everything up and leave.
I don't know why I've been feeling this way or what started it. Many different reasons come to my mind when I try to mull it over in those blurry, incoherent moments before I drift off to sleep. Even then, I tend to not dwell on it for too long in case it overwhelms me and I end up in a fetal position, crying until I drown all of these thoughts out.
Doesn't this all make me sound insane? Maybe that's why I haven't talked to anyone about it.
The process of going through it in my mind is more than what I can handle as it is. Silence and isolation is what I crave the most and run to in those times of slight panic and fear. I can't even fully confide in Zack, since he has his own problems that he needs my help with.
It seems horribly ironic; a broken, confused person trying to help another broken, confused person. But who else can we talk to?
Where are you, God?
I pray and read Your word, yet I find no solace or comfort. I find only judgement and self loathing in-between the pages and text. Guilt and more guilt pile up on top of my already heavy heart and I end up feeling unwanted, unheard, and undeserving. Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew that my life wasn't going to be a happy one. I accepted that there will be a myriad of times when everything is my fault and everyone blames me for whatever exponential amount of reasons they find fit.
Still, it doesn't make it any easier to feel the suffocation of being diminished each time I'm pushed away or left out.
What's going to happen to me? Will I ever find God's presence in my life again? Are You even trying to save me from this darkness, God? Or have You turned Your back on me because my faults and nature have gone beyond what You would allow? Do You still love me enough to give me any success or long term happiness? Or am I that undeserving?