Nightmare Rest
I had a horrible night of sleep. It was restful and nightmarish. How does that even happen? Does anyone else have a horrible dream, and wake up feeling well rested? The opposite is usually true isn't it?
But last night I had an awful sad dream about Enzo. I dreamt that I was watching videos on YouTube, and someone showed me a video saying "You might like this."
The video turned into me experiencing the video as if it was happening in real time. Enzo was sick. The cancer had already covered his eye. He was so skinny but had muscle. He was running around at a national park that we were checking out. Along the dirt road with a beige wooden fence against the trees. Down a small hill in the shade. We had people with us watching him. Making sure he wasn't hurting himself.
And all I could do was cry. I still felt like I was watching the video. I was screaming and sobbing his name over and over. Saying "My baby. My poor baby."
Why are all of these dreams about my boy so horrifying? Why can't I ever see him whole; as he was before the cancer? Why, God? Why can't Enzo be whole, well, and happy? Can't I see that?
My heart just keeps breaking over and over.
But last night I had an awful sad dream about Enzo. I dreamt that I was watching videos on YouTube, and someone showed me a video saying "You might like this."
The video turned into me experiencing the video as if it was happening in real time. Enzo was sick. The cancer had already covered his eye. He was so skinny but had muscle. He was running around at a national park that we were checking out. Along the dirt road with a beige wooden fence against the trees. Down a small hill in the shade. We had people with us watching him. Making sure he wasn't hurting himself.
And all I could do was cry. I still felt like I was watching the video. I was screaming and sobbing his name over and over. Saying "My baby. My poor baby."
Why are all of these dreams about my boy so horrifying? Why can't I ever see him whole; as he was before the cancer? Why, God? Why can't Enzo be whole, well, and happy? Can't I see that?
My heart just keeps breaking over and over.