Share the Ube.

Finding the right shade of foundation, concealer, and contour is so difficult for me. Always has been. I've had multiple people try to shade match me only for my face to look too red, too green, gray, orange, pink. Never my actual skin tone. It doesn't help that my face is always darker than my body. I've tried to tan my body, but it takes so much more to tan than it used to. It also doesn't help that I have so much hyperpigmentation from all of the acne my skin has gone through over the years. So whenever I wear makeup I feel like I just end up looking one of the undead. It seriously sucks since I've been watching makeup tutorials for fifteen years now. Seeing so many people being able to perfectly shade match themselves makes this struggle seem so unnecessary. Why are they able to so easily find what works for them, but I'm not able to? What's wrong with my skin? In the most recent years, I've come to accept that I may never find the perfect match

Zack and I went on a week long trip on the central coast. It was a much needed trip, I guess. To be honest, I wasn't sure what I was expecting. A part of me was hoping to just enjoy it, but there was a weight of guilt too. I wanted to spend the time to reflect on this past year that we'd been through. So much muck, ache, loss, grief, horror, and brokenness. The past two years have been the worst we've been through, and it scares me to think that it's not going to get any better. So maybe the trip was purely selfish. I'm not sure if that's what it was, but I feel selfish for wanting it and enjoying myself. These days, all I feel is guilt for being selfish. I feel like the most wicked person in the world most days. I look at myself and think that I deserve the worst pit of Hell because I'm such a bad person. I mean, people have treated me as if I'm a bad person my whole life, so I must be, right? Zack's family told all these people that I'm manip

The Meyers Briggs Personality test was instrumental in my growth as a young adult. Ever since I hit puberty, I acutely felt this confusion and limbo like existence when it came to why I behave the way I do. For me, the concept of myself was too hard to understand because I felt as if I was constantly trying to please everyone around me. This meant that I barely had time for myself to figure out what I really wanted in life and what I wanted for my future. Of course I idealized, as most teenagers do, the kind of life I thought I'd have. And obviously none of it came true. Living a life not knowing what makes you tick or why you behave a certain way in different situations is exhausting and lonely. I felt that I would never really understand myself. After taking the test however, I felt as if everything finally made sense. A social chameleon. Adapts to the energy output and the needs of others to keep them happy. Doesn't think about their own needs. Sharing things about yours

I'm not competitive when it comes to games, but I do get competitive when it comes to life. And to be honest, it sucks that it's such an ingrained part of what makes me human. I detest that there's a natural "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality whenever I talk to someone. It's as if each person wants to size themselves up to the other to see who's doing better at life. Ever since I haven't had much to contribute other than what I watch, read, cook or craft, no one cares what I have to say. I always end up feeling belittled and ashamed that my life isn't going the way it should be, and that people look down on me for it. Why can't people stop judging themselves against someone else's current life situation? Why do we care so much if we're leading a more exciting, stable life than our dearest friends and family? These feelings and needs for superiority are a couple of reasons why I dislike being human. Among the throng of

I've already written about my recent experience with God's timing. Today was just another example of it. My friend Kayla is sixteen weeks pregnant with her second child. I've known her for about five or six years now, and she's a tough woman. She works hard, has an incredible healthy lifestyle, leads with compassion, and loves without judgement. Even though we're close in age, I look up to her as a role model of Christian, female empowerment. I'm not sure why Kayla is friends with me. I don't add much value to her life, we don't have much in common, and I'm not exactly the most Christ-like person to be friends with. Still, I'm grateful for her friendship, however much of it we have. Lately, she's relied on Zack and I to take care of her big boy boxer, Hezekiah; Kiah for short. He used to serve as her guardian and dog husband when she felt lonely. Now he's the family guardian, companion, and chicken dinner thief. I'm not certain

It might seem weird, but I've been a part of a mobile game community for almost ten years. A few months ago, I joined a new group full of white, Christian men. Aside from my one contact in the group, no one knows what I look like or what I go through. I usually stay quiet and just do my own thing. Last week, though, something happened that just felt so crazy, especially because it's June. This month last year, Enzo passed away. This month two years ago, Zack and I went through the toughest hurdle in our relationship to date. So maybe you can see why June isn't exactly my favorite month. Last week, one of my group members asked all of us to pray for his daughter who was going in for an emergency caesarean surgery. She was only twenty eight weeks pregnant. The next day, he updated us that she was fine, even after losing a lot of blood. He also said that the baby is fine, but that he'll be in the NICU ward for the next few months. He then announced the baby's name...