Subtle Competition

I'm not competitive when it comes to games, but I do get competitive when it comes to life. And to be honest, it sucks that it's such an ingrained part of what makes me human. I detest that there's a natural "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality whenever I talk to someone. It's as if each person wants to size themselves up to the other to see who's doing better at life.

Ever since I haven't had much to contribute other than what I watch, read, cook or craft, no one cares what I have to say. I always end up feeling belittled and ashamed that my life isn't going the way it should be, and that people look down on me for it.

Why can't people stop judging themselves against someone else's current life situation? Why do we care so much if we're leading a more exciting, stable life than our dearest friends and family?

These feelings and needs for superiority are a couple of reasons why I dislike being human. Among the throng of reasons why I love being human, there is also a long list of dislikes, and it pains me incessantly that I am guilty of all of them.

But that's because of sin, right?

It's the only reason I can think of, anyway. Sin. That penetrating, seeping, invasive ruiner of all things good. And we can only die to be rid of it. Every atom, molecule, amino acid, leaf, flower, home, dog, cat, rabbit, fox, whale, elephant, man, woman, and child must die and will die in order for the new world without sin to exist.

To be frank, I find that fact horrifying and amazing at the same time. Death for Christians is not something to be feared; at least that's what we're taught. We're not supposed to fear it because we know where we're going after. But for me, I find the process of dying to be the worst and the one to be feared. Well, I do have anxiety, so that makes sense.

For this anxious INFJ, the unknown factor of when I will die, how I will die, and how long and painful it will be, riddles my body with fear. Every bit of me trembles at the thought of that pain. Yet, we're told that Jesus suffered a horrible death, so if He could get through it, so can we? I'm not so sure I can buy into that, God. The act of dying is unique for every individual on this planet, human or not. The experience of pain is as unique, and I'm not sure I can justify the equating of my Lord's pain to mine. He bore the burden of an entire planet of people for all time, knowing that He is Messiah and Savior; knowing that He will resurrect and sit at the right hand of the Father.

But me?

I'm mentally ill; I have no power; I am weak; I am a mere human just barely getting by in the day to day. I can't see the specific future for myself. I don't know exactly how everything will happen to me. And that scares me, God. And that's one thing I think that we cannot relate on. You know everything that has happened and will happen. It's just part of who You are.

But because I'm human, and sinful, I can never know. And honestly, that sucks; not just for me, but for everyone else who struggles with this fear.

What's Your answer to that, God? How am I or anyone else supposed to cope with that fear?