Are You Joking, God?
It might seem weird, but I've been a part of a mobile game community for almost ten years. A few months ago, I joined a new group full of white, Christian men. Aside from my one contact in the group, no one knows what I look like or what I go through. I usually stay quiet and just do my own thing.
Last week, though, something happened that just felt so crazy, especially because it's June. This month last year, Enzo passed away. This month two years ago, Zack and I went through the toughest hurdle in our relationship to date. So maybe you can see why June isn't exactly my favorite month. Last week, one of my group members asked all of us to pray for his daughter who was going in for an emergency caesarean surgery. She was only twenty eight weeks pregnant. The next day, he updated us that she was fine, even after losing a lot of blood. He also said that the baby is fine, but that he'll be in the NICU ward for the next few months. He then announced the baby's name...Enzo.
At first I didn't react. I was too shocked. And then I started to get angry.
"Why, God?"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"Are you making fun of me?"
I felt like God was allowing me to see this to prove that He can still let other people enjoy their Enzo's but I can't.
Eventually, I told Zack about what I read. And I started crying because of it. Sometimes, I can't help but start crying. It just happens.
Zack was happy to hear that an Enzo entered this world and is going to be okay. But it hurt me inside. I didn't tell him, but I just felt robbed and left out. Yes, it seems sweet that I'd hear about an Enzo in the month of June, but it also feels so depressing.
I don't have Enzo living in my life anymore. And seeing other people getting to enjoy their dogs and their Enzo's makes me so jealous.
I'm sorry, God. I'm just way too selfish.
Last week, though, something happened that just felt so crazy, especially because it's June. This month last year, Enzo passed away. This month two years ago, Zack and I went through the toughest hurdle in our relationship to date. So maybe you can see why June isn't exactly my favorite month. Last week, one of my group members asked all of us to pray for his daughter who was going in for an emergency caesarean surgery. She was only twenty eight weeks pregnant. The next day, he updated us that she was fine, even after losing a lot of blood. He also said that the baby is fine, but that he'll be in the NICU ward for the next few months. He then announced the baby's name...Enzo.
At first I didn't react. I was too shocked. And then I started to get angry.
"Why, God?"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"Are you making fun of me?"
I felt like God was allowing me to see this to prove that He can still let other people enjoy their Enzo's but I can't.
Eventually, I told Zack about what I read. And I started crying because of it. Sometimes, I can't help but start crying. It just happens.
Zack was happy to hear that an Enzo entered this world and is going to be okay. But it hurt me inside. I didn't tell him, but I just felt robbed and left out. Yes, it seems sweet that I'd hear about an Enzo in the month of June, but it also feels so depressing.
I don't have Enzo living in my life anymore. And seeing other people getting to enjoy their dogs and their Enzo's makes me so jealous.
I'm sorry, God. I'm just way too selfish.