Running With Little Hope of Stopping

Don't read about that Bible passage I posted a while ago...I know that I said I would blog about it, but right now..I neither have the heart, or emotional stamina to talk about that.

In fact, these past few months, I've just been running away from God. I've been running away from the fact that I've been doing so many things wrong. So many things...and I've been in denial about it. But now that my world has come to a train crashing halt, I've had to force myself to take a hard look at my life.

I haven't cried yet. Crying makes my face look all puffy and when I cry at night, I can't open my eyes the next day. Basically, crying makes me look like I have the mumps, so I try to avoid doing it as much as possible. But it's been a while since I've had a good, long, chest heaving cry. I'm overdue, actually. But what to do???

If I had a sit down with you and told you all the things that has happened to me in the past few months, you would most likely feel as if all the problems you're going through wasn't so bad.

*virtual sigh* But I wish someone wouldn't just FEEL bad for me. I need someone to look me in the eye and KNOW what I'm feeling. To know the shame. To know the guilt. To know the reasons why I'm running. I don't need advice. I don't need words of sympathy. I don't need your pity. I don't need empty words. I don't need people only telling me that they'll pray for me, when it's obvious that they don't give a crap. I just want you to listen. To hear my heart. Can you hear it's sad beating? Can you hear how heavy it is? Can you feel the pain? Can you feel how hard it's being squeezed? Can you feel how hard it is to breathe?

I can't move forward. I look all around me, and all I'm seeing are walls. Walls that I've put there for so long. Walls that others have helped me built. These walls won't come down easily. God, are you listening? I'm hiding in my dark corner, crying for some way out. But You don't seem to be able to hear me. I know I've done wrong. Probably more wrong than even You realize. But please. Please. Just show me what to do. Give me an opportunity to fix things. My heart can't keep beating with this poison inside me. You said that You wouldn't let Your children carry more than they can handle. Well, this is much more than I can carry. My burden is too heavy, Father. I can't go on anymore like this. Please give me some hope to hold on to. I need someone to help me. I need someone to listen to me. I need someone....look, I know this sounds really juvenile, but...if it's Your will...could you send me an angel?

I know I don't deserve something as amazing as that, but I'm dying on the side of the road here, God. Everyone's passing me by as if I don't exist. And maybe to them, I don't. But YOU know I exist. So why are You ignoring me? Why is everyone ignoring me? Have I done so much wrong that You no longer want to listen to my cries for help?