Share the Ube.

I've been noticing some odd things about me lately. In this case, I guess I should call them symptoms. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Maybe not. I've decided to have a psych evaluation soon. Just to be sure nothing's wrong with me. Ever since my mom mentioned some strange stuff she's been seeing with me, I've been thinking that she might be right. I'm a bit scared. But as soon as I get this done, the sooner I can breathe freely. I have a feeling I know what it is...if it IS something, that is.  But I still hope I'm wrong.  Is it weird to say that in this situation, I just want to be normal?   Getting into some good Lucy Schwartz. Hope ya like.

So, a few friends and I made a twitter a while back. It was a bit immature, but it was a great outlet for all our frustrations with a certain individual.  We eventually had to delete the account due to...ah, circumstances beyond our control. Just a few days ago my best friend and I decided it was time to start a new twitter. I'm really excited about this one!  We finally get to vent our disappointment, frustration, and anger towards certain douchebags who unfortunately were part of our lives and left us scarred. I won't put the link on here in case said douchebags decide to read this blog post. I definitely don't want them and their friends reading it.  Well, if they do, they should know the whole story; not just what other people told them. That's another thing. My best friend and I found out about how douchey these douchebags were from OTHER PEOPLE. We never heard it first from the horse's mouth. And that, is just disgusting. Treating a woman like she'...

Been having a nice chat with God lately.  It's dawned on me that I've been really selfish; making selfish decisions for selfish reasons and only freaking out because the repercussions are more than what I expected. Then there's the vicious cycle of going to church and asking for forgiveness and going back to doing the same old thing all over again. I HATE IT. I feel like I've drifted away from God so much. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've lowered my standards and turned a blind eye to things I normally wouldn't stand for.  I've disappointed my God, my family, my friends, and myself.  Without realizing it, I've given up what was best for me, for stuff that's not helping me at all in the long run. This isn't the first time I've had to struggle with something so serious. It took me over 10 years to beat my pornography addiction (more on that later). But I had God's help. You have no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep...

"Men judge us by the success of our efforts. God looks at the efforts themselves."   -  Charlotte Bronte Thank God for that.

Just. A great week so far. Just awesome. I feel like the rug was pulled from beneath my feet, but instead of a floor, it's a bottomless chasm.  An endless free-fall. No magic carpet can save me. Not even a gallon of strawberry ice cream can pull me out of it. UGH. Today was my friend Carlton's memorial service. Loved that guy. He would make everyone in the choir laugh whenever he imitated his mother's "unique" way of directing us.  Sometimes during rehearsal he would purposefully eat his chips loudly just to annoy everyone. I remember standing next to him backstage before we opened the Christmas show a couple years ago. He was such an encouragement to me during the show's run.  Who knew that there was a disease eating away at him the whole time?  I don't exactly know what it was; other than a serious liver problem.  He lost so much weight.  It was hard not to notice; not when he was already so thin.  I miss him.  His jokes; his laugh; his re...

"...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit."   —   Lemony Snicket   ( The Bad Beginning )

Loved this show. Too bad Nickelodeon sucks more than my nonexistent love life now. They don't have shows like this anymore. Anyway, I remembered watching the episode where Ginger wrote a poem and that it won some kind of contest. When I first heard it as a teenager, I thought it was incredibly profound. Listening to it again, it sounds just like something a teenager would write. Ah, well. I still loved the show. You know they haven't aired the last season in U.S. yet? It aired in the U.K. years ago. Apparently we're not good enough to know what happened. DANGNABIT. Well, time to pass through that place between awake and dreaming...you know the place where Tinkerbell said she'd always be; waiting for Peter Pan. You haven't seen "Hook" have you? See?? So many good things people have missed out on! Goodness gravy.

Thank you. My hope is that one day a grand piano full of pig entrails and used needles will fall on your head while you run away from a stampede of wild buffalo. Not really. I only said that out of sheer anger and frustration. UGHH. To all you nefarious and reprehensibly bad group of people, I can only shake my fist and repeatedly break down into sobs. GOOD DAY.

I realize it's 2:55 in the morning. But due to the fact that my hair is wet from a well earned shower and that I have been having trouble sleeping, I am not in what you would call "Dreamland." No, instead I have decided to sit down and write up a post because I honestly have nothing else to do. It's not that I don't want to write anything on here. In all honesty, this blog has turned into somewhat of an annoying younger sibling. I can't stand having it around most of the time, but there are those other times I'm happy that I didn't get rid of it. Not that I would do that to my younger sibling in real life. Maybe I would, but only if a sparked imagination and foul mood were present. I had a sort of wake up call today while talking to one of my closest friends. Little did I know how much I needed it. And I don't care what Paramore says, but "ignorance is not my best friend" anymore. Okay, that probably was the wrong word choice right t...

Is it just me or is this Friday not going so well? Lots of little things are starting to irk me quite a bit. UGH. Why am I in such a bad mood?? Usually on a bright day like this, I'd be clicking my heels, baking something delicious, and whistling all around the house. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's because I only had 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Maybe it's because I feel a bit lonely right now... Nah...can't be. Anyway, I was thinking about my birthday. I'll be twenty in four days! I should be annoyingly excited about something like this, but for some reason...I'm just scared. Could there be something wrong with me? I don't think I can explain this fear I have very eloquently so I'll just leave it at that. Maybe I'll feel differently about it tomorrow. You know what? Even though I'm in a bad mood, I think I'll bake some banana bread or something. In my opinion, baking should be considered a kind of therapy; no matter how ...

Wow, it's been so long since I last wrote something on here! Gosh, I miss it. But I'll be honest, this isn't the first time since my last post that I've tried to type up something. It's hard to crank out a post worth reading when there are too many things going through a mind like mine. I've attempted again and again, but for reasons only known to me, I haven't been able to put down any thoughts that made sense. But now's the time!! So! Moving right along... Quite a lot has happened. There's been heartbreaking stuff that still makes me tear up at the slightest mention of them. There's been other stuff that's caused me to just break out in sobs. It's a bit ridiculous. I mean, I haven't cried like this since February! What in the world?? Anyway, I just wanted to say, "Thank God for MUSIC." 'Nough said, right? Haha. God has helped me through all my situations with music. And even though it's not the best of ...

I wonder why people think I'm so strange. Is it that weird to see someone act insane for a little bit Because that's how they feel? I can't be myself around anything/one much nowadays. This mask, act, facade, whatever you wanna call it; is really getting old. I don't want to be the pretty girl next door who likes to have a drink and get dirty one moment, then likes to read books, play video games, and bake the next. Because at the end of the day, I'm still left alone. And what's wrong with randomly dancing to Oren Lavie or not wanting to do anything and just talk about wildflowers? What's wrong with laughing at the little things and not so much the bigger ones? I'm intelligent when I choose to be. I'm not some piece of furniture you can bang or gossip about. I'm not like any of you. This may be my depression talking, but I don't really feel like I connect with anyone among my peers. I don't relate to any of you in more than 3 things. ...

Leona Lewis - I Got You (Official Music Video) . Watch more top selected videos about: Leona_Lewis

I'm scared. As in, "shakin' in my boots" scared. A few reasons why. But all in all, I just want release from this fear. God's been working on my heart. When I'm about to commit a terrible sin, His words pop up in my mind. Words that He has spoken through others. And yet, I sin anyway. So stupid. But I remain happy and hopeful. Want to know why? Because tomorrow is a new day and God is still in control. Can't help but relax when I remember that. I don't know what He's got planned just yet. He hasn't gotten back to me on the when, where, and how. A bit frustrating. Still... These words help get rid of my impatience And I can wait a little bit longer... "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when it's not shown. I believe in God, even when He's silent."

Feeling a whole mixture of emotions right now (besides the sick one). I mean, this weekend was great! One of the very few good ones I've have in a long time. It's just typical that my dad had to ruin it all yesterday. See, we all go to California Adventure for the first to have fun, right? We don't go to make snide remarks about everything we see, we don't go to criticize the amount of people there, we don't go to complain about the prices (although, that's sort of a legit thing), we don't go to show everyone else how bored we are, we don't go to SLEEP THROUGH AN ENTIRE PARADE, we don't go to sit through the entire Aladdin show and NOT LAUGH A SINGLE TIME. And YET! My own father manages to do all those things and then some the entire time we were there. He even makes my mother leave with him early because "he's so bored", leaving my sister, cousin, and I to trek out the rest of the park on our own. Don't get me wrong, it was b...

I'm insane. I must be. Is it even possible for someone such as myself to have this view? I favor my fiction over reality. Sure, it's not real and fiction doesn't live a life with other people in it. Fiction doesn't get up in the morning and wish that by going to the bathroom, she might find that she's lost weight. Fiction doesn't get into car accidents. Fiction doesn't feel pain. Fiction doesn't live; neither does it die. But why would that be such a bad thing? All these emotions in me that cause a kind of psychological riot would rather be just like fiction; numb and unfeeling. No one wants to get hurt, and if you're going to say, "but what's the point of living?" or "life isn't life without a few risks" then I hope you stop reading right now. In my fiction, I have so much power. I am a ruthless dictator, an experiment bent on vengeance, a misunderstood nobody, a celebrity, a wealthy sibling of a family of mercena...