Share the Ube.

Lots of dead worms. I realize the picture is pretty gross. My cousin and I almost vomited when my mom dumped them out of the flower vase for my grandma. Thank you, rain, for causing that to happen. This Thursday I've got a hair appointment with the hairdresser that used to do my grandma's hair.  When I called to make the appointment, the hairdresser brought my grandma up.  She said a lot of really sweet things that made me want to sob right there. No one can understand the feeling of loss of a deceased loved one until you've actually gone through it.  The grief can be so overwhelming sometimes that I start to shake from head to toe.  Everything reminds me of how good and loving my grandma was.  She raised my sister and I; not to mention my thirteen immediate cousins.  Even while grocery shopping, I'll see things that she would eat on a daily basis.  When I hear an old hymn or a song that she liked, my heart feels like it's being pressed deeper ...

Thank you. My hope is that one day a grand piano full of pig entrails and used needles will fall on your head while you run away from a stampede of wild buffalo. Not really. I only said that out of sheer anger and frustration. UGHH. To all you nefarious and reprehensibly bad group of people, I can only shake my fist and repeatedly break down into sobs. GOOD DAY.

So...I've apparently been left here alone while everyone else has gone out shopping. That's...nice? This has been the strangest weekend I've had in I don't know how long. Usually when my day starts out great it ends even better. Guess there's always the exception. Thanks a lot Murphy. You know, I haven't been this upset with my dad since he last drank himself willy nilly when he got a promotion. This week he found out he might get fired. No wonder he's been drinking a whole lot more this year. At least, that's what I'm seeing. I've never met anyone with so many mood swings. And this is not just because he goes all werewolf on us when there's a full moon. He's always been this way. Last Sunday, I had a conversation with one of my cousins about our dads; they're both quite similar in character. She pointed out that while her dad is just as crazy as mine, at least my dad goes to church. I didn't really have the heart to te...

Wow, it's been so long since I last wrote something on here! Gosh, I miss it. But I'll be honest, this isn't the first time since my last post that I've tried to type up something. It's hard to crank out a post worth reading when there are too many things going through a mind like mine. I've attempted again and again, but for reasons only known to me, I haven't been able to put down any thoughts that made sense. But now's the time!! So! Moving right along... Quite a lot has happened. There's been heartbreaking stuff that still makes me tear up at the slightest mention of them. There's been other stuff that's caused me to just break out in sobs. It's a bit ridiculous. I mean, I haven't cried like this since February! What in the world?? Anyway, I just wanted to say, "Thank God for MUSIC." 'Nough said, right? Haha. God has helped me through all my situations with music. And even though it's not the best of ...

I started writing in my old journal again last night. Sometimes, I forget how good it felt to take a pen and write down what I was thinking. Sure, it took a lot longer and white-out was pretty necessary. But just seeing the ink scroll across the page and hearing the scratching of thoughts becoming words brought me a different kind of solace. I'm not done with the entry I began last night; there's too many painful memories I need to write down. Guess you could say I'm taking a break from reliving those aches and penning them onto paper. It's funny...how life forces you to live; even if it means you have to trudge through the lowest of lows. Anyway! I found this short film in the YouTube Screening Room and I think you guys should watch it. It totally blew my mind and I'm watching it again! Hope you guys enjoy it. Till next time =)

I'm insane. I must be. Is it even possible for someone such as myself to have this view? I favor my fiction over reality. Sure, it's not real and fiction doesn't live a life with other people in it. Fiction doesn't get up in the morning and wish that by going to the bathroom, she might find that she's lost weight. Fiction doesn't get into car accidents. Fiction doesn't feel pain. Fiction doesn't live; neither does it die. But why would that be such a bad thing? All these emotions in me that cause a kind of psychological riot would rather be just like fiction; numb and unfeeling. No one wants to get hurt, and if you're going to say, "but what's the point of living?" or "life isn't life without a few risks" then I hope you stop reading right now. In my fiction, I have so much power. I am a ruthless dictator, an experiment bent on vengeance, a misunderstood nobody, a celebrity, a wealthy sibling of a family of mercena...

You know, holding a grudge against someone has a sickening hold on many people. It's like a kind of pleasurable heat that gives us satisfaction in dwelling on that hate and anger. Now I know it's neither healthy nor advisable to have such feelings. God definitely doesn't like it. Hating someone is like hating Him. However, it's...so difficult to let go of it. I don't care how many times you tell me to let it go. It's incredibly painful to let that last vestige of anger go. I WANT to hate that person so much. I WANT to imagine hurting them in every way possible. I WANT to feel the triumph in knowing that I hate them. Only I know this hate. That person may never know, nor care. They may never realize how I feel. But does that bother me? To be honest, no. It makes me feel even more powerful. I have control over someone in my mind; a place where no one else can touch me or hurt me. See, control has been ripped from my hands from so many individuals:...

Felt so sick earlier...I woke up this morning and my lower abdomen was KILLING ME. Literally, I felt like something was ripping my intestines out with spiked gloves. Feeling a whole lot better right now though, so that's good news. For people who care, Wentworth Miller from Prison Break is playing Jack in the Bioshock movie. REALLY excited!!! That's it for now...my tummy's starting to hurt again. Till next time =)

Another storm today...there's actually thunder this time; and lightning although I can't see it. Did you guys get a chance to look out your window in the afternoon yesterday? When the rain stopped, and the sun was shining? When the wind slowed down and the clouds started to part? It's kind of cheesy to say, but it was so refreshing to step outside into that sunlight with the air so crisp and clean. Raindrops were hanging off of leaves and gardening equipment, and it looked as if everything was reflecting a dewy light. It's corny, I get it. haha. But like I said yesterday, it was inspiring! I got a journal from my cousin and decided to write letters in it...along with other random stuff that would have even Conan laughing for a good ten minutes. The letters I've written so far (all three of them haha) are to certain people who have passed through my life. People I either don't associate with or talk to anymore. But after writing out all those feelings I ...

Sad. Just sad. Life seems so unfair. Not for me. Not JUST me. It's you too. I find comfort in that. We are not alone. From the famous, to the self proclaimed nobodies. From the rich, to the impoverished. From the most beautiful, to the average looking. We all feel this way. A kind of sadness that is not for ourselves, but for someone else. Someone we love very much. I ache My insides burn Reality seems more bitter than fantasy What if's and maybe's are no use The past is past We live NOW. But what to do? What to feel What to think What to say... God, You are indescribably amazing Such timing as to provide a song To lay beside this sadness It brings warmth and comfort... "Lord I surrender all To Your strong and faithful hand In everything I will give thanks to You I'll just trust Your perfect plan When I don't know what to do I lift my hands When I don't know what to say I'll speak Your praise When I don't know where to go I'll run to Your throne...