Share the Ube.

I've been to three weddings so far this year; and with each I find myself being asked by someone the same question that makes me resent weddings even more. "When are you going to get married?" If only it were possible to truly sink into the crust of the earth or instantly hide in that quiet and safe place in my mind. Whenever I hear those words, I feel a bit of anger and resentment towards the person who said it. I want to lash out at them for asking something so personal; but in reality, it's a question that I have been avoiding to answer. Fake smiles and giggles can only go so far. As I partook in each wedding I kept going over in my mind all of the "what if's" and "if only's" of the future I might have with Zack. I mean, neither of us are in the place we said we'd be five years ago. We haven't finished our studies, Zack is the only one working right now, we haven't saved up any money, we spend more than we make, we...

I've been noticing some odd things about me lately. In this case, I guess I should call them symptoms. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Maybe not. I've decided to have a psych evaluation soon. Just to be sure nothing's wrong with me. Ever since my mom mentioned some strange stuff she's been seeing with me, I've been thinking that she might be right. I'm a bit scared. But as soon as I get this done, the sooner I can breathe freely. I have a feeling I know what it is...if it IS something, that is.  But I still hope I'm wrong.  Is it weird to say that in this situation, I just want to be normal?   Getting into some good Lucy Schwartz. Hope ya like.

Just. A great week so far. Just awesome. I feel like the rug was pulled from beneath my feet, but instead of a floor, it's a bottomless chasm.  An endless free-fall. No magic carpet can save me. Not even a gallon of strawberry ice cream can pull me out of it. UGH. Today was my friend Carlton's memorial service. Loved that guy. He would make everyone in the choir laugh whenever he imitated his mother's "unique" way of directing us.  Sometimes during rehearsal he would purposefully eat his chips loudly just to annoy everyone. I remember standing next to him backstage before we opened the Christmas show a couple years ago. He was such an encouragement to me during the show's run.  Who knew that there was a disease eating away at him the whole time?  I don't exactly know what it was; other than a serious liver problem.  He lost so much weight.  It was hard not to notice; not when he was already so thin.  I miss him.  His jokes; his laugh; his re...

I realize it's 2:55 in the morning. But due to the fact that my hair is wet from a well earned shower and that I have been having trouble sleeping, I am not in what you would call "Dreamland." No, instead I have decided to sit down and write up a post because I honestly have nothing else to do. It's not that I don't want to write anything on here. In all honesty, this blog has turned into somewhat of an annoying younger sibling. I can't stand having it around most of the time, but there are those other times I'm happy that I didn't get rid of it. Not that I would do that to my younger sibling in real life. Maybe I would, but only if a sparked imagination and foul mood were present. I had a sort of wake up call today while talking to one of my closest friends. Little did I know how much I needed it. And I don't care what Paramore says, but "ignorance is not my best friend" anymore. Okay, that probably was the wrong word choice right t...

Is it just me or is this Friday not going so well? Lots of little things are starting to irk me quite a bit. UGH. Why am I in such a bad mood?? Usually on a bright day like this, I'd be clicking my heels, baking something delicious, and whistling all around the house. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's because I only had 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Maybe it's because I feel a bit lonely right now... Nah...can't be. Anyway, I was thinking about my birthday. I'll be twenty in four days! I should be annoyingly excited about something like this, but for some reason...I'm just scared. Could there be something wrong with me? I don't think I can explain this fear I have very eloquently so I'll just leave it at that. Maybe I'll feel differently about it tomorrow. You know what? Even though I'm in a bad mood, I think I'll bake some banana bread or something. In my opinion, baking should be considered a kind of therapy; no matter how ...

I ran today. Wow, do I feel good! It's been a while, so I was only able to do about 6 of my 8 songs for my "jogging playlist." Not bad! Considering I haven't run since high school =/ So out of shape. I really do like that feeling after running. My head's pretty clear, and I've got a nice endorphin buzz going. Sucks how short the buzz lasts. Just heard about the earthquake off the coast of Chile. 8.5 Incredible. I'm amazed at the power an earthquake holds; such damage and ruin it can leave in it's wake. Such loss as well. There's a tsunami warning for the people living in that area of Chile right now. Praying that they all reach high ground safely; and praying for the miracle that perhaps the tsunami never comes. That's all in God's hands. I wonder if He'll allow it to happen. Is it part of the bigger picture too? Is it truly necessary, God? Isn't there another way? Can't you change your mind? Course, none of us ...

Life is so messed up. MY life is so messed up. Sometimes we think the detours will get us there faster. Look at all the detours we take just to start a car or wash dishes! For me, it's pride. Pride is the name of my GPS. Course, I keep getting led to failure. Wonder how I could've missed the signs along the way. God's been trying to get me back on track. He keeps offering to take the wheel and get me where I need to be, but Pride has a knack for making me refuse. "It's easier this way." "You kill two birds with one stone." The easy way sucks. I need to stop looking at the present satisfaction of these detours and look down the main road to where I need to go. Long road. But this way, I know I won't get sidetracked or distracted by life's glittery signs. And I think the first thing to get out of my way is ME. My selfishness got me in this deep pit of quicksand. Time to change that. Well, it's 1:00 in the morning. I believe I ...

I'm scared. As in, "shakin' in my boots" scared. A few reasons why. But all in all, I just want release from this fear. God's been working on my heart. When I'm about to commit a terrible sin, His words pop up in my mind. Words that He has spoken through others. And yet, I sin anyway. So stupid. But I remain happy and hopeful. Want to know why? Because tomorrow is a new day and God is still in control. Can't help but relax when I remember that. I don't know what He's got planned just yet. He hasn't gotten back to me on the when, where, and how. A bit frustrating. Still... These words help get rid of my impatience And I can wait a little bit longer... "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when it's not shown. I believe in God, even when He's silent."

You know, holding a grudge against someone has a sickening hold on many people. It's like a kind of pleasurable heat that gives us satisfaction in dwelling on that hate and anger. Now I know it's neither healthy nor advisable to have such feelings. God definitely doesn't like it. Hating someone is like hating Him. However, it's...so difficult to let go of it. I don't care how many times you tell me to let it go. It's incredibly painful to let that last vestige of anger go. I WANT to hate that person so much. I WANT to imagine hurting them in every way possible. I WANT to feel the triumph in knowing that I hate them. Only I know this hate. That person may never know, nor care. They may never realize how I feel. But does that bother me? To be honest, no. It makes me feel even more powerful. I have control over someone in my mind; a place where no one else can touch me or hurt me. See, control has been ripped from my hands from so many individuals:...

OMGOODNESS You ever hear the phrase, "you become that which you hate the most" ? Well, I just realized that that's what has happened to me. If you don't know, the one I hate the most is my father. That man has taken more happiness away from me than the cancellation of Pushing Daisies ever did. Any attempt I ever made as a child to gain his approval or encouragement always (and I really do mean that) ended up in billowing flames of failure. I drew a picture for him in school. He told me it was the ugliest thing he ever saw and crumpled it up. My sister drew a picture for me one day. I told her it was the ugliest thing I ever saw and crumpled it up. I used to ask my dad for help on stuff. He always told me that I'm useless and can't do anything myself because I'm so stupid and weak. My sister still asks me for help on stuff. Sometimes I tell her that she's useless and can't do anything herself because she's so stupid and weak. My father n...

It's too hot here my neck is scorching with this chain holding me down I can't move If I do, they'll see me They'll coming rushing to burn me even more They hold those weapons in their hands Long poles with fire emanating out of them They circle around me If I even twitch, they'll see I don't want them to know that I'm still alive Barely alive, really Hiding myself in this shell I'm trapped in I have no choice but to slowly die here I made a mistake It was a trap from the beginning A trap to corner me here and hold me down They want my blood They want everything I have I can't let that happen I can't give up These material things that brought me here They looked intriguing and friendly Harmless at first Till I realized that they were nothing But a scheme To show me how foolish I was To show me how alone I am To show me how my soul would soon be theirs I won't lie I'm afraid I avoid looking into my captor's faces For if I do I feel as ...