Share the Ube.

I've been to three weddings so far this year; and with each I find myself being asked by someone the same question that makes me resent weddings even more. "When are you going to get married?" If only it were possible to truly sink into the crust of the earth or instantly hide in that quiet and safe place in my mind. Whenever I hear those words, I feel a bit of anger and resentment towards the person who said it. I want to lash out at them for asking something so personal; but in reality, it's a question that I have been avoiding to answer. Fake smiles and giggles can only go so far. As I partook in each wedding I kept going over in my mind all of the "what if's" and "if only's" of the future I might have with Zack. I mean, neither of us are in the place we said we'd be five years ago. We haven't finished our studies, Zack is the only one working right now, we haven't saved up any money, we spend more than we make, we...

I ran today. Wow, do I feel good! It's been a while, so I was only able to do about 6 of my 8 songs for my "jogging playlist." Not bad! Considering I haven't run since high school =/ So out of shape. I really do like that feeling after running. My head's pretty clear, and I've got a nice endorphin buzz going. Sucks how short the buzz lasts. Just heard about the earthquake off the coast of Chile. 8.5 Incredible. I'm amazed at the power an earthquake holds; such damage and ruin it can leave in it's wake. Such loss as well. There's a tsunami warning for the people living in that area of Chile right now. Praying that they all reach high ground safely; and praying for the miracle that perhaps the tsunami never comes. That's all in God's hands. I wonder if He'll allow it to happen. Is it part of the bigger picture too? Is it truly necessary, God? Isn't there another way? Can't you change your mind? Course, none of us ...

I'm scared. As in, "shakin' in my boots" scared. A few reasons why. But all in all, I just want release from this fear. God's been working on my heart. When I'm about to commit a terrible sin, His words pop up in my mind. Words that He has spoken through others. And yet, I sin anyway. So stupid. But I remain happy and hopeful. Want to know why? Because tomorrow is a new day and God is still in control. Can't help but relax when I remember that. I don't know what He's got planned just yet. He hasn't gotten back to me on the when, where, and how. A bit frustrating. Still... These words help get rid of my impatience And I can wait a little bit longer... "I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. I believe in love, even when it's not shown. I believe in God, even when He's silent."

I wrote a list today...just now actually. Well, okay, TWO lists haha The first one is about things I hope to afford in the future. Aaaand looking at a couple of them, it's DEFINITELY going to take a while. But it's good to have goals right? So I made a second one about who I hope to be as I get older and as the world continues to spin...they're more personal than I realized. Seeing the words on this piece of paper makes it seem so impossible. But it's what I've been set on for so long. I've prayed about it. And I've had my doubts...but whenever I jump back in and get involved, all trepidations seem to disappear and being in that environment feels JUST RIGHT. I...just wish...my family would support me. To them, it's all about being "financially stable." But that's not exactly what I want. Sure, I'd like to be comfortable enough to not have to worry about "making ends meet." When it all comes down to it, though, I j...