Please...Don't Leave.

I am a fool. A court jester would look wiser standing next to me.

I've been so selfish. So far from where I need to be...well, where God needs me to be.

Depression is a terrible disease. It affects the mind long before it affects the body. I haven't seen the Light for so long; yet here It appears before me in the dark confines of my home. This post is not me making excuses, it is me accepting my guilt. It's my fault that I sank this low. However, I believe that I still need to sink lower than this to fully grasp how vulnerable I am without Him.

Like an addict, I crave for sexual satisfaction; a high to temporarily rid me of my fears. My sins accumulate with each passing day and whenever He reminds me of what I've done, I shrug Him off. I curse Him away because I can only satisfy myself. I can only make ME happy.

Terrible shame. It flits in and out every week and yet I tell myself, "I could give a damn about it." God, I'm so sorry...

My reasons for crying out on this digital piece of internet space is because I read (unwillingly at first) a blog entry posted by someone who has surpassed me in getting to know You. In talking to you. And in the end, I have forgotten You.

Words alone will not undo what I have done these two decades. I have always promised, haven't I, that things would change? I promised, did I not, that I would let you mold me the way You knew would bring the best potential out in me? Promises are meant to be kept; not broken, aren't they?

I will try. Again. And again if I fail. And again if I fail again. I know, no matter how stupid, fanatical, or radical everyone may view me, Your Truth is the only one that should matter. I KNOW that. And I'm asking, please, to remind me of that whenever I feel cornered or let down.

This life that You've given me, is probably nothing more than a blink to You. But BECAUSE this life matters to me, it matters even more to You who made me in the first place. You alone can help me. You can get me out of this ravine I've fallen into. I don't know where to go. I'm stuck and it seems like I'll never get out.

I'm so ashamed...so incredibly ashamed, God. Tears aren't enough to show that. My cries aren't enough to convey that. Please, don't let me go. I don't want to be one of those You've released.

I know I typed that this wouldn't be a post on excuses, but please forgive me when I say that I'm so lonely. My desires, fantasies, sin take over because of my loneliness. Friends and family cannot heal my self-inflicted lacerations. This depression I've wallowed in for months is proof of my pride and arrogance. I don't know how else to say this...it seems the longer I type the faster this moment dissipates. I pray, with all that's left of my sincerity before it dies again, that my cries did not go unheard. If they did, I will try again. I will try until you hear me, God. I will read Your Word and learn more about You. I will not give up.

I will not let my sin continue to wound me.