Days of Fail. Nights of Loss.
Just. A great week so far. Just awesome.
I feel like the rug was pulled from beneath my feet, but instead of a floor, it's a bottomless chasm. An endless free-fall.
No magic carpet can save me. Not even a gallon of strawberry ice cream can pull me out of it. UGH.
Today was my friend Carlton's memorial service. Loved that guy. He would make everyone in the choir laugh whenever he imitated his mother's "unique" way of directing us. Sometimes during rehearsal he would purposefully eat his chips loudly just to annoy everyone. I remember standing next to him backstage before we opened the Christmas show a couple years ago. He was such an encouragement to me during the show's run. Who knew that there was a disease eating away at him the whole time? I don't exactly know what it was; other than a serious liver problem. He lost so much weight. It was hard not to notice; not when he was already so thin. I miss him. His jokes; his laugh; his reassurance that everything would be alright because God was in control. I can't imagine what it's like for his mother and sister. They had already lost their father a few months ago.
As for the memorial service, I didn't go. I don't think I belong there. Not with the way my life has been going lately. I feel so...I don't know. Unwelcome. Whenever I look into the eyes of my friends there, I feel this pressing guilt on my chest and shoulders. I feel so ashamed for what I've done. I wish I could undo everything that happened. I know I'm not the only one. I'm sure they've all gone through their own problems. It's just...I only feel this way at certain times; like now. I've been praying for some guidance; some direction. I haven't heard a thing. My best friend says this is His way of breaking us down to the point where we have no other choice but to run to Him. But I feel that although I am running to Him, He's not opening His arms to hold me. I feel rejected. Dirty. Diseased. Dead.
God, what else can I do? How many more times do You need me to cry myself to sleep before taking me out of this endless pit?
God, I feel so alone.
I feel like the rug was pulled from beneath my feet, but instead of a floor, it's a bottomless chasm. An endless free-fall.
No magic carpet can save me. Not even a gallon of strawberry ice cream can pull me out of it. UGH.
Today was my friend Carlton's memorial service. Loved that guy. He would make everyone in the choir laugh whenever he imitated his mother's "unique" way of directing us. Sometimes during rehearsal he would purposefully eat his chips loudly just to annoy everyone. I remember standing next to him backstage before we opened the Christmas show a couple years ago. He was such an encouragement to me during the show's run. Who knew that there was a disease eating away at him the whole time? I don't exactly know what it was; other than a serious liver problem. He lost so much weight. It was hard not to notice; not when he was already so thin. I miss him. His jokes; his laugh; his reassurance that everything would be alright because God was in control. I can't imagine what it's like for his mother and sister. They had already lost their father a few months ago.
As for the memorial service, I didn't go. I don't think I belong there. Not with the way my life has been going lately. I feel so...I don't know. Unwelcome. Whenever I look into the eyes of my friends there, I feel this pressing guilt on my chest and shoulders. I feel so ashamed for what I've done. I wish I could undo everything that happened. I know I'm not the only one. I'm sure they've all gone through their own problems. It's just...I only feel this way at certain times; like now. I've been praying for some guidance; some direction. I haven't heard a thing. My best friend says this is His way of breaking us down to the point where we have no other choice but to run to Him. But I feel that although I am running to Him, He's not opening His arms to hold me. I feel rejected. Dirty. Diseased. Dead.
God, what else can I do? How many more times do You need me to cry myself to sleep before taking me out of this endless pit?
God, I feel so alone.
