Grinning Through It.
I've been to three weddings so far this year; and with each I find myself being asked by someone the same question that makes me resent weddings even more.
"When are you going to get married?"
If only it were possible to truly sink into the crust of the earth or instantly hide in that quiet and safe place in my mind. Whenever I hear those words, I feel a bit of anger and resentment towards the person who said it. I want to lash out at them for asking something so personal; but in reality, it's a question that I have been avoiding to answer.
Fake smiles and giggles can only go so far.
As I partook in each wedding I kept going over in my mind all of the "what if's" and "if only's" of the future I might have with Zack. I mean, neither of us are in the place we said we'd be five years ago. We haven't finished our studies, Zack is the only one working right now, we haven't saved up any money, we spend more than we make, we're lazy, and we're running out of time.
When I turned twenty, all I heard from everyone was that I had time. Now I feel as if time has suddenly decided to start slipping through my fingers like one of those endless hallway dreams where the door remains just out of reach. As I continue to stretch out my fingers to grip the knob, I watch as others simply walk up to the door, open it, and calmly walk through it without a second glance.
I cannot take the embarrassment anymore. It won't be long till someone asks me the same question again and I break down in front of them.
God help me in my weakness.
"When are you going to get married?"
If only it were possible to truly sink into the crust of the earth or instantly hide in that quiet and safe place in my mind. Whenever I hear those words, I feel a bit of anger and resentment towards the person who said it. I want to lash out at them for asking something so personal; but in reality, it's a question that I have been avoiding to answer.
Fake smiles and giggles can only go so far.
As I partook in each wedding I kept going over in my mind all of the "what if's" and "if only's" of the future I might have with Zack. I mean, neither of us are in the place we said we'd be five years ago. We haven't finished our studies, Zack is the only one working right now, we haven't saved up any money, we spend more than we make, we're lazy, and we're running out of time.
When I turned twenty, all I heard from everyone was that I had time. Now I feel as if time has suddenly decided to start slipping through my fingers like one of those endless hallway dreams where the door remains just out of reach. As I continue to stretch out my fingers to grip the knob, I watch as others simply walk up to the door, open it, and calmly walk through it without a second glance.
I cannot take the embarrassment anymore. It won't be long till someone asks me the same question again and I break down in front of them.
God help me in my weakness.
