Silently Panicking

Is there such a thing as wanting to live and die at the same time?

The beginning of the semester has already proven to be more than I can handle. Why do I still do this? What's the point of sticking it out and doing what I've been trying to do for the past 8 years? Failing.

Nothing I want to venture into produces success or any sign of progress. It's almost as if I have a black thumb when it comes to living in general.

Maybe the incense is getting to my head. Zack bought me an incense holder with some rich lavender sticks. It's in the shape of a sea dragon; the holder of course. I thought it would help calm me down but my thoughts feel more muddled and nonsensical.

I can't even organize my thoughts let alone organize what I have to do for my class schedule, show schedule and life.

Freakin' sucks.

I wish my skills weren't so ordinary. I wish my motivation wasn't so mediocre. I wish my opportunities weren't so few and far between. I wish my fear wasn't so overwhelming. I wish my self confidence wasn't so dismal. I wish my choices led me to success and happiness inside of God's will.

Just...why can't I win? Ever? Is that a selfish thing to ask about? I constantly feel like a loser with nothing going my way. It makes wanting to talk to people that much more difficult; let alone be around them.

There has to be a change. But how? And what will it make me sacrifice?

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