Share the Ube.

She's a liar She's new She's manipulative She's crazy She's jealous She's a wannabe Pointless assumptions from accusers set on justification; not truth. Keep making your excuses. It's pointless to lie for them. The truth always comes out.

"Admit it, he's your favorite because you have to work harder just so he'll like you." "Yeah, that's true."

Finding the right shade of foundation, concealer, and contour is so difficult for me. Always has been. I've had multiple people try to shade match me only for my face to look too red, too green, gray, orange, pink. Never my actual skin tone. It doesn't help that my face is always darker than my body. I've tried to tan my body, but it takes so much more to tan than it used to. It also doesn't help that I have so much hyperpigmentation from all of the acne my skin has gone through over the years. So whenever I wear makeup I feel like I just end up looking one of the undead. It seriously sucks since I've been watching makeup tutorials for fifteen years now. Seeing so many people being able to perfectly shade match themselves makes this struggle seem so unnecessary. Why are they able to so easily find what works for them, but I'm not able to? What's wrong with my skin? In the most recent years, I've come to accept that I may never find the perfect match ...

Zack and I went on a week long trip on the central coast. It was a much needed trip, I guess. To be honest, I wasn't sure what I was expecting. A part of me was hoping to just enjoy it, but there was a weight of guilt too. I wanted to spend the time to reflect on this past year that we'd been through. So much muck, ache, loss, grief, horror, and brokenness. The past two years have been the worst we've been through, and it scares me to think that it's not going to get any better. So maybe the trip was purely selfish. I'm not sure if that's what it was, but I feel selfish for wanting it and enjoying myself. These days, all I feel is guilt for being selfish. I feel like the most wicked person in the world most days. I look at myself and think that I deserve the worst pit of Hell because I'm such a bad person. I mean, people have treated me as if I'm a bad person my whole life, so I must be, right? Zack's family told all these people that I'm manip...

The Meyers Briggs Personality test was instrumental in my growth as a young adult. Ever since I hit puberty, I acutely felt this confusion and limbo like existence when it came to why I behave the way I do. For me, the concept of myself was too hard to understand because I felt as if I was constantly trying to please everyone around me. This meant that I barely had time for myself to figure out what I really wanted in life and what I wanted for my future. Of course I idealized, as most teenagers do, the kind of life I thought I'd have. And obviously none of it came true. Living a life not knowing what makes you tick or why you behave a certain way in different situations is exhausting and lonely. I felt that I would never really understand myself. After taking the test however, I felt as if everything finally made sense. A social chameleon. Adapts to the energy output and the needs of others to keep them happy. Doesn't think about their own needs. Sharing things about yours...

I'm not competitive when it comes to games, but I do get competitive when it comes to life. And to be honest, it sucks that it's such an ingrained part of what makes me human. I detest that there's a natural "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality whenever I talk to someone. It's as if each person wants to size themselves up to the other to see who's doing better at life. Ever since I haven't had much to contribute other than what I watch, read, cook or craft, no one cares what I have to say. I always end up feeling belittled and ashamed that my life isn't going the way it should be, and that people look down on me for it. Why can't people stop judging themselves against someone else's current life situation? Why do we care so much if we're leading a more exciting, stable life than our dearest friends and family? These feelings and needs for superiority are a couple of reasons why I dislike being human. Among the throng of ...

I've already written about my recent experience with God's timing. Today was just another example of it. My friend Kayla is sixteen weeks pregnant with her second child. I've known her for about five or six years now, and she's a tough woman. She works hard, has an incredible healthy lifestyle, leads with compassion, and loves without judgement. Even though we're close in age, I look up to her as a role model of Christian, female empowerment. I'm not sure why Kayla is friends with me. I don't add much value to her life, we don't have much in common, and I'm not exactly the most Christ-like person to be friends with. Still, I'm grateful for her friendship, however much of it we have. Lately, she's relied on Zack and I to take care of her big boy boxer, Hezekiah; Kiah for short. He used to serve as her guardian and dog husband when she felt lonely. Now he's the family guardian, companion, and chicken dinner thief. I'm not certain ...

It might seem weird, but I've been a part of a mobile game community for almost ten years. A few months ago, I joined a new group full of white, Christian men. Aside from my one contact in the group, no one knows what I look like or what I go through. I usually stay quiet and just do my own thing. Last week, though, something happened that just felt so crazy, especially because it's June. This month last year, Enzo passed away. This month two years ago, Zack and I went through the toughest hurdle in our relationship to date. So maybe you can see why June isn't exactly my favorite month. Last week, one of my group members asked all of us to pray for his daughter who was going in for an emergency caesarean surgery. She was only twenty eight weeks pregnant. The next day, he updated us that she was fine, even after losing a lot of blood. He also said that the baby is fine, but that he'll be in the NICU ward for the next few months. He then announced the baby's name......

I had a horrible night of sleep. It was restful and nightmarish. How does that even happen? Does anyone else have a horrible dream, and wake up feeling well rested? The opposite is usually true isn't it? But last night I had an awful sad dream about Enzo. I dreamt that I was watching videos on YouTube, and someone showed me a video saying "You might like this." The video turned into me experiencing the video as if it was happening in real time. Enzo was sick. The cancer had already covered his eye. He was so skinny but had muscle. He was running around at a national park that we were checking out. Along the dirt road with a beige wooden fence against the trees. Down a small hill in the shade. We had people with us watching him. Making sure he wasn't hurting himself. And all I could do was cry. I still felt like I was watching the video. I was screaming and sobbing his name over and over. Saying "My baby. My poor baby." Why are all of these dreams abo...

As I get older, I dislike holidays more and more. I especially dislike these parental and familial holidays that expect you to be close to relatives you don't even really like. Today, I'm not talking about my own mother; I'm talking about you, Jenny. I saw that you put a J.K. Rowling quote as your cover photo for this year's Mother's Day. It's really sad that you would never have done that if Vanessa hadn't gotten into the series last year. It's sad that you only cared about getting to know her and not me. Maybe if I had come around later, I would have had a chance. At least, that's what I would like to think because it really sucks to think that you would never have given me a chance. And all because of what? Your prejudices from past relationships and racial biases. You can try to deny it. But the truth is the truth. This Mother's Day, the gift I hope you got was a reality check. You have and always will care more about Alex than Zack. Yo...

When people expect you to stay the same way after experiencing insane trauma, it's selfish. When they expect you to have the same relationship with them, it's ignorant. When they refuse to take their own behavior and actions into account, it's manipulative. I know I'm probably being dramatic about this. However, if you knew how I felt whenever one of my so-called friends make me the one responsible for the relationship, you'd understand. It's so tedious to have to go through this blame game. I usually end up being the one to absorb all of the blame because the other person can't handle it. Perhaps that's why people find it so easy to use me that way. They expect me to be a certain way, and when I'm not, they blame me for not meeting their needs and expectations in a friendship. I'm so sick of it. Why do I even have to explain myself? I feel like it's so obvious that I'm no longer the same person from 2017. Last year completely rui...

I was scrolling through Instagram this morning, and saw on The Daily Show's post on this week's guests. It upset me because there's a writer/director coming, and one look at this guy told me that he'd never write something that I would be seen in. A surge of motivation came over me to starting creating content that was for me and people like me. So I started with a second Instagram account to encourage me to post more of what really interests me without the veil of having to come across a certain way. Let's see what comes of it, and the growth I can experience. The only thing that is holding me back is the fear of other people I don't like seeing my content and spreading hate about me. God give me courage and creativity and perseverance.

Sometimes I wish I would post things on social media about what I think of certain people. Fake people, to be more precise. I get so sick of seeing the same people continue to use their manipulative skills to get ahead; to get what they want. It's irritating and I'm so tired of it. I really should just block these people on my phone and in my mind.  But the best revenge is success, right? Maybe one day soon, I'll shed the x ray light on these people and expose them for how they really are when no one is looking. At least, that's what I wish for.

So after I posted, I saw Vanessa post on IG about not being everyone's cup of tea. Does that mean you're reading my blog still, Vanessa? Do you check regularly if I've posted? That would actually be quite interesting. Does that mean that anything I say on here will be under your scrutiny? I thought I'd be scared if any of you read my posts these days, but I'm not. In all honesty, I'm not sure why I no longer have that fear. I used to feel dread whenever I attempted to type something up. Do you know that it was because of all of you that I couldn't even turn to my small corner of the internet for refuge? Writing was such a big part of my life, and I lost it for a few years because of the fear you threw in my face. The fear of being judged by you all paralyzed me from putting down any thoughts or feelings I had. It didn't help that my mental health suffered immensely during that time too . But now here I am, five years later, freely typing exactly wh...

There have been a few times when I've looked at a picture of someone I dislike and I can only think, "I'm so sick of this person and their ____, it's sad." Any time I see a picture of Vanessa, that thought pops up in my head. It's so sad how she manipulated her way through it all. It's quite brilliant if I'm honest. She did a great job saying exactly what Jenny, Laura, and Larry wanted to hear. I have to commend her for that. And now, she's getting closer to the dream that she said she wanted at her bachelorette party: to have money so that she never has to work again; to have a husband who will earn for her so that she can stay at home and have kids. What a dream, Vanessa! You're so ambitious going after that dream. Especially since you got your parents to pay for your education and living in Los Angeles. I'm trying to see if any of that sounded bitter. And you know, I think it's the first time I haven't actually been directly ...

Is there such a thing as wanting to live and die at the same time? The beginning of the semester has already proven to be more than I can handle. Why do I still do this? What's the point of sticking it out and doing what I've been trying to do for the past 8 years? Failing. Nothing I want to venture into produces success or any sign of progress. It's almost as if I have a black thumb when it comes to living in general. Maybe the incense is getting to my head. Zack bought me an incense holder with some rich lavender sticks. It's in the shape of a sea dragon; the holder of course. I thought it would help calm me down but my thoughts feel more muddled and nonsensical. I can't even organize my thoughts let alone organize what I have to do for my class schedule, show schedule and life. Freakin' sucks. I wish my skills weren't so ordinary. I wish my motivation wasn't so mediocre. I wish my opportunities weren't so few and far between. I wish my...

This year has been incredibly difficult and painful. I find myself at the brink of a breakdown almost every day now. Whenever that feeling begins to break through, I immediately want to pack everything up and leave. I don't know why I've been feeling this way or what started it. Many different reasons come to my mind when I try to mull it over in those blurry, incoherent moments before I drift off to sleep. Even then, I tend to not dwell on it for too long in case it overwhelms me and I end up in a fetal position, crying until I drown all of these thoughts out. Doesn't this all make me sound insane? Maybe that's why I haven't talked to anyone about it. The process of going through it in my mind is more than what I can handle as it is. Silence and isolation is what I crave the most and run to in those times of slight panic and fear. I can't even fully confide in Zack, since he has his own problems that he needs my help with. It seems horribly ironic; a ...

The past seven days have been so difficult and painful for me. It felt as if all of my burdens have finally come to a head. The torment has been unbearable; physically, emotionally, and mentally. There's a line in  Anne of the Island  that came to my mind just now, "There is a book of Revelation in every one's life as there is in the Bible. Anne read hers that bitter night as she kept her agonized vigil through the hours of storm and darkness." I have felt alone and betrayed these past two and a half years. Alone, from the lack of support I received from the people I called friends. I realize that I'm not everyone's cup of tea; there is no guarantee that people will like me, and I shouldn't assume that if I am good to others, they would treat me the same. To be honest, it tears me up inside that I have fewer friends than I thought. It's something that I have to come to terms with because hoping that these people will think I'm worth being f...

Uggggghhhhhhh I want this so bad! Sailor Saturn is my absolute favorite! I like Neptune too, but apparently I'm not allowed to anymore because my friend loves Sailor Uranus and is mad that Neptune is her lover. Yeah. Ooh! This too! These are some designs for Sailor Senshi compacts (plus Tuxedo Mask). I really like the ones they have for the outer senshi. The design looks much more sleek than their inner senshi counterparts. I lowkey adore Sailor Pluto so I wouldn't mind having a compact with her design on it either. *sighs* So poor. Such sad.

I've never encountered a show so heartwarming and charming as "Derek." To be honest, Ricky Gervais wasn't someone I thought capable of delivering such work as he does with this Netflix Original Series. And I've only watched the first couple of episodes. My favorite parts so far are the hamster YouTube video and his last moments with Joan. Two very different scenes that somehow capture the many endearing qualities of Derek's character. This show is simple, yet it produces such beautiful images that make your heart swell (in a good way). There's nothing fancy about it. No frills or flights of fantasy. No gore and bloodshed. Just a man and his friends. To sum it up, this is the kind of show that leaves you a better person than before you watched it. Love it or hate it, the storytelling is thought provoking and you can't help but fall in love with Derek.